You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
