I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
