You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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