The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
