after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
