how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
