if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
