I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
