I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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