either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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