The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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