Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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