but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
