You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
