they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
