He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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