You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
