I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
