I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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