Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
