apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
