What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
