M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
