Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
