On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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