Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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