apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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