i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
