I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
