I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
