Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
