Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
