ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
