This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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