I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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