The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize