I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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