If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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