I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
