I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
