it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
