I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
