I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
