guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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