and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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