So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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