i think my tv is drunk
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
