this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
