i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
