I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
