I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
