We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
