i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize