turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
