guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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