all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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