the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
