I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
