Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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