So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My balls are so social today.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
