TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
